38: Handful of Stars

 

            I flew to Toronto for a short Christmas visit with Yoshiko and Renée coming on a later flight. I amused myself before the plane took off by video taping the front cover of the New York Post, which had a large photo of Santa Clause and the headlines-Wanted; Pistol Packing Santa Makes Off With A Cool Million In Cash. Before landing I took a few shots of the CN Tower through the clouds.
         Terry picked me up and took me to his place in Brampton. I changed into my gray suit and took my cameras with me to downtown Toronto. We stopped for lunch on the way to his house, all the while talking to me about Northern Electric, where he worked for the last 17 years. I asked if he had gone to Milton recently, and he said, "I've been going there every year since '67 to present my trophy at the graduation." He showed me the latest newspaper clipping, which he kept in his wallet.
         The previous year I had visited Toronto and found that Fatal Bert's was still in operation. I called one old friend, Neil, who took over my apartment beside the Brunswhich Tavern. He said that Fatal Bert’s was still going strong, but that only a handful of the our circle of friends still haunted the place.
         At the beginning of 1988 I made plans to visit Toronto. Before leaving though, I had a few assignments with my new job at New Future Photo. On New Years Eve I photographed Hyo Jin Nim in the Grand Ballroom of the New Yorker. The following morning, God's Day 1988, I shot the Pledge Ceremony in the Bamboo Room. Then I went to Macy's and bought an elephant doll for Daniel, and a model of a 1932 Chevrolet coupe, for Dylan. Yoshiko, Renée and I flew to Toronto in the afternoon and were picked up by Terry and Kim. We ate dinner at the Keg, and went to Sue's in Burlington. We stayed in Canada for three days. Sue took us to Milton the first day, and stopped by my father's grave. In the afternoon ma came and I watched Dylan play hockey. All my family came for the dinner party, except for Rick, who lived a few hundred miles away. Ma had to leave early because Joe didn't want to drive the hundred miles home in the dark. Terry took us to the Eaton Center in Toronto and we walked to the City Hall for a photograph. We stopped by my old neighborhood, and said hello to Murray the florist. Murray said that over the years a number of people have been in there asking about me. So this time I decided to do a set.

         Terry drove me to Yonge Street and St. Claire and arranged to meet me at Fatal Bert's at eleven, when his shift ended. I stepped into the subway concourse and stopped at a pay phone. Terry had given me a handful of quarters; I placed them on the ledge and referred to an old business card crammed with numbers; my last surviving link to old friends. The card was found with my manuscript in a trunk underneath the stairs at 49 Mary, by the retired archeologist who bought the house. I called Sam Green, and Mary said that Sam was not there to explain why he wouldn't talk to me.
         Being partially dejected I went to the Continental restaurant for goulash, then headed to the eternal coffee house. Fatal Bert's was still where it had been for the last 23 years, at 300 Bloor Street. I entered the basement of the United Church and picked number eleven from about two-dozen names in a hat, and got a chance to play. Ed and Ray were still taking care of the intros and the sound system. Uzi lent me his Gibson cutaway, which was exactly like mine. The lights were dimmed and the show went on.

--> Sara was one of the first performers, with a song she wrote between marriages. She still had the same persona, the same outfit she might have worn twelve years ago, a Black Harley Davidson T-shirt and cowboy boots. I had to turn off the video because the song was too raunchy. I gave my camera to Ed to photograph my performance of two songs, Handful of Stars, and Imaginary Mountains.
 

          

--> Sam Larkin followed me and went into a long rap. "Now here's the infamous Stefan from New York, a wild guy and I won't have nothing to do with him. He used to get up on stage here with a frog outfit and we used to bang each other over the head with a pool cue. You notice he's shooting my bald spot. Nice guy isn't he? Now those electronic devices just keep running on and on, I better get on with my song... "

              During the break I shot some things and paused by the Christmas spread to talk to Sam Larkin. Sam asked if I called Paul Nash, and quoted his wife who said that Paul would send a letter explaining why he can't have anything to do with me. "You should write him and start communicating again. You have too much in common not to speak to each other, and besides you've done well for yourself, you have a nice wife and a family, and you're working as a photographer. There are a lot of good groups that started out with a lot of controversy."

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Terry came; I showed him to the Christmas buffet table, and introduced him to Phil Onius. We watched a few acts before getting into his Hyundai, to drive down Bloor to Yonge.
        With all the boutiques and Christmas lights Yorkville Avenue looked like an eerie wonderland. I asked Terry if he remembered the time in 67 when I returned from a two week stay with Uncle dink in Montreal when he picked me up at Union Station with his 58 silver Chevy Impala. We had stopped in Yorkville to talk to some hippies. "And they offered you some Chocolate covered raisons," Terry said, "And you wouldn't eat them because you thought they might have drugs in them."






We woke after ten and had breakfast at the Golden Griddle. Terry drove me to my old neighborhood and I walked around. I called up the Unification Church center, but couldn't visit them because everyone was out fundraising. I called up Katrina and went to visit her. She looked the same as I remembered; it must have been 1974 when Peter and Mary introduced us on the way to see Harold and Maude. Katrina was still living in her parent's house on Madison Avenue. She had only an hour before going to a Christmas party, made me a coffee and asked if I'd seen any of the old friends.
      I told her about Paul, Sam Green and Mary not wanting to speak to me, because of my religious affiliation. I noticed a nude photograph of her on the wall, a black and white taken in Vancouver. In the picture she walked by a bus stop full of people who pay no attention to her nudity. "A friend of mine had an assignment for his photography class and set it up." The phone rang with a customer who wanted a therapeutic massage. Katrina pointed to a certificate on the wall, and said, "That's how I make my living, I have to take a shower now, to get ready for the evening." I finished my coffee and let myself out.

The next day Yoshiko and Renée arrived, and we went to the airport to meet them. We drove a hundred miles to Meaford, and spent the evening at my mother's. Mom was happy to see us and spent most the time watching Renée playing with her dolls, and the tiny rocking horse beside the Christmas tree. I videotaped Renée saying "Christmas Tree." Yoshiko and Renée went to bed early and I watched Citizen Kane and Gunga Din with my mother.
        I photographed Renée in the yellow outfit that ma had knitted, using a pattern from a book she had bought during the second world war. Then we packed up and headed for Kim's in Burlington. Kim prepared Christmas dinner in his new bungalow; when everyone arrived, we passed out the gifts. I photographed everything. Mom gave each one of us a two-hour video of her home movies. Danny and I arranged to meet the next day at the CN Tower. When it was all over the three of us went to Sue's place.

On Christmas morning Sue drove us to the Go train and got there too late, so she drove us into the city. We waited for Danny but he didn't show up. We walked towards the CN tower, and stopped at City Hall for pictures. The pictures Terry took of us on our visit the previous year were blurred, so I had three different people try this time. We made it to the Restaurant The Top of Toronto, for lunch. I pointed out the Royal Canadian Yacht Club and told Yoshiko about the summer job. My mind flashed back to riding across the harbor in the Yacht, reading Spring Snow, and the drunken gardener giving all the excess petunias he had promised me to some one else. I pointed out landmarks as we waited for service. The service was slow but the view great.
       It was dark when Sue picked us up; we drove around to look at the Christmas lights. I talked to Sue of Christmas past. At the age of four I went with my family to the Golden Mile to see Santa and sat on his knee. I remember lying awake, it being almost impossible to sleep, waiting for Santa to come. My mother left some orange soda pop and cookies on a coffee table for the bearded one, and in the morning they were gone, replaced by a big tin castle with knights and horses in the courtyard. Although we were not the richest family, there were always plenty of presents under the tree. And then father took home movies of us unwrapping everything. We used to drive to Toronto to see the animated windows at Eatons and Simpsons. We would drive around looking at people's houses lit up with pretty colors. Some of the houses had nativity scenes, with Jesus in a manger. To make extra money my father used to take us Christmas caroling. I remember standing by the Christmas tree eating my favorite sweet, thinking it's too bad Christmas comes only once a year. I could imagine the world at peace. In war torn areas on a distant battleground there would be Christmas carols. There were always cards with doves on them promoting peace and Goodwill to all men. One time, when I was alone traveling in Europe and heard a brass band playing Christmas songs in Denmark, there was a lull in the music and I just knew the next song would be "Silent Night," Sure enough the next song was Silent Night and tears came to my eyes. I made it home in two days.





On the final day, of our visit, Sue and Gerry drove us to Niagara Falls. We walked through the freezing mist to look at the Horseshoe Falls. Yoshiko got to about five feet of the railing but turned back because it was so wet. In two minutes we were all soaking wet. We stopped for souvenirs in Maple Leaf Village before crossing the border to go to Buffalo for our flight home. As we drove across the Rainbow Bridge with Yoshiko and Renée in the back seat, I looked towards the rising mist and thought about the time I had run away from home, and had stopped halfway across the bridge, thinking of throwing it all away. That was what I was really thinking when I ran away, not just heading to the Empire State Building to threaten to jump if I couldn't get plastic surgery. My hand went to my neck where I had just had my birthmark removed in New York City and a fleeting thought came over me. "God answered the prayers that I had never even prayed

 

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HANDFUL OF STARS

Long ago I had a dream that I would be a star
And so I played an open stage but didn't get that far
Hanging out with a Handful of Stars chasing the night away
Our dreams to make it to the top missed the light of day

And like the light of an ancient star that reaches us this day
I'd like my song to reach to you after I fade away

Stars are bound to drift apart the universe expands
It's sad to see on looking back our dreams got out of hand
I might have climbed right up the charts or burned up in a dive
But heaven helped me on the way and kept the dream alive

And like the light of an ancient star that reaches us this day
I'd like my song to reach to you after I fade away

There was a wall at the open stage where stars would leave their names
This song goes out to everyone who shares the quest for fame

The world becomes a brighter place when dreamers take a chance
And like all stars that fill up space they need no song to dance
The silent hearts within us all are longing to be heard
I only hope my long lost friends will find me in these words