Journals 1985 to 1993

 

At end of the 1985 summer witnessing campaign in San Francisco, West Coast CARP gathered at a Lake Tahoe resort. I met with Dr. Suek there and asked him permission to start my family. Since we met the requirements and Dr. Suek gave the nod of approval.
             The workshop put on the usual skits for evening entertainment. One mime performance that struck me as funny was about a team fund raising with foil prints. The props were foil prints and paper brown paper bags that covered the head. The first wave of fundraisers had frowns painted on and got poor results. When the fundraisers wore the bags with smiles their results increased dramatically. The eerily haunting theme song from Sergio Leone's film "Once Upon a Time in the West" by Ennio Morricone made the skit memorable.
              An announcement was made that Mr. Aoki would be “donating” four members to the New York Region, to witness. I was chosen to go, even though I was part of Headquarters Staff and was supposed to be returning anyway. The four of us, Jules Hack, Steve Woolery and Wilbur Hathaway flew to New York and promptly started witnessing at the Columbia Center. We were referred to as 'The Swat Team.'

             Of the 20 or so people living in the center, the four of us were the only ones who could dedicate ourselves to witnessing. We would bring guests to the house, but they would rarely return. The only one close to being a college age member, Steve Woolery, was 26. Steve was the only single member living at the town house. The rest of us were between the ages of 30 and 40, were married, but not one of us were living with our spouses. I'm sure that it would be hard for students to see that our sacrificial lifestyles were consistent with the ideal families that we would lecture about at our workshops.

             I had a photograph of Steve Woolery and myself with our one contact, a Japanese woman, taken on a Good Go boat with the Statue of Liberty behind us. The statue at the time was entirely covered with scaffolding and it seemed to be a metaphor of my own spirit. Like the Statue I wanted to lift up the light of freedom, but was constricted by my own limitations. We witnessed to a few guests and brought them to the Center, but few were interested to study the principle or return to the center.

             All headquarters staff was directed to move into the Columbia Center, to live in barracks style bunk beds and commute by subway to the New Yorker. We left our rooms at the New Yorker, which were taken care of as part of our meager stipend, worked at our missions five days a week and were now compelled to fundraise on the weekends to each raise the $150.00 to cover our room and board. Amid all this upheaval, with the centers' floor being gutted to the rafters for renovation by Steve Kearney, a master carpenter, amid all the spiritual dust, John Dickson asked us to write him a letter of reflection.

December 3, 1985
Reflection of The New York Experience

             More and more I have come to realize that my spiritual life has reached a sort of impasse, and I need something to take me to a new level. I believe that the next challenge for me is to start a family and become a True Adam.
             As I mentioned in the last brother's meeting I feel it is unusual for fifteen married people over thirty to be living under one roof; witnessing to twenty year olds. If we realize this we can deal with it. I had been gung ho witnessing in California, but lost some of my power coming to a place where the focus is fragmented and diffused. With the swat team I witnessed with Jules and Steve W. but never with Wilbur.
             I liked witnessing at CUNY; but was very frustrated that we didn't end up on campus as a legitimate student group. I think we need to go full swing into campus activities to be effective; otherwise we are wasting our time. We will never bring success unless we do more on campus.
             The approach here, is good, about 'being normal.' That is a different approach than the church method of singing with guests before eating, and the overall general regimented spontaneity. Things seem to be shaping up here, but they could go smoother. I feel you are doing a great job as a leader, and respect you as such.
             I am very happy to be learning photography, and look forward to putting foresight and vision into the photography department. I feel happy to be creating things. I also feel that God has not been pushing me to be a leader in the usual sense. I did want to be a leader while on MFT; but my heart was very hurt by the stupidity many team leaders had toward safe driving standards.
             There is a fairly good atmosphere here, but something else is needed. Perhaps in the future it will come to be known. You mentioned before that you might keep people on to witness through December. If that were the case, I would like to volunteer; as it would enable me to keep in contact with my contacts; as well as learn photography. If I must go on a fundraising adventure, I will do so with an able attitude. However, I will absolutely not tolerate reckless driving, such as driving while sleepy and weaving all over the road. I do have a tendency to go into traumatic fits when drivers do strange things. If such an unsafe situation were to arise I would abort the mission and take a bus home.
             In my spiritual life I feel a few rough edges. I feel frustrated that in five years of serious witnessing better results have not come. I do have hope though— I am tenacious to fight till the end. I am upset with myself for not being more adamant about an exercise program, and in not being able to break through in prayer. I hear others praying well and it makes me feel bad. I never really communicated with my own physical father; this is just a realization not an excuse. I take full responsibility for my life.
             In conclusion I feel relatively happy here. I do feel confident that we can bring the victory for God and True Parents. I would share more deeply about things later. ITPN Stefan

A month before Christmas I was made team leader of two members who were not interested in fundraising. Cory, the typesetter would do fairly well if she didn't get into long conversations. Mark had been fund raising on and off for sixteen years and was tired of it. During the fundraising expedition I was preoccupied with my situation regarding starting a family.
                         I had informed Yoshiko and her central figure that Dr. Suek had authorized me to start a family. Yoshiko's central figure said that Yoshiko could start after the New Year. Throughout the month of December we hardly spoke to each other, except for an exchange of heated letters. It didn't seem that she was willing to start a family.

March 5, 1986, Columbia Center

Dear Dr. Seuk,
Welcome back to America; I am looking forward to hearing your report about Father in Korea. This is just a brief note on my current situation. On February 21, my wife and I completed our 40-day condition to start our family. The last four weeks of the 40-day period Yoshiko avoided seeing me. Our relationship has steadily been improving, but unfortunately, my wife has been doing everything she can to avoid going through with the three day ceremony. Yoshiko has a serious problem about this, and a few central figures in her department are giving her a lot of pressure to go through with it. She at least has a sense of humor about it, for the last time I saw her she said: "You can do the three day ceremony by yourself." It was not that amusing for me. I do anticipate starting the three-day ceremony someday, and will inform you of the time.
ITPN Stefan

March 1986

It was at the time when Haley's Comet was said to be still visible to the naked eye that Yoshiko and I donned our white robes and did our three-day ceremony. To put it in laymen's terms, for the sake of those who never get stars in their eyes, we consummated our marriage. I made very few journal entries at the time, and apart from taking photography courses, fundraisinging to go to Japan, and helping with the preparations for the upcoming CARP Convention, I had no recollection of that summer. (Many years later though while doing research on the Statue of Liberty, the fireworks came to mind:) When the restoration work was completed on the Statue of Liberty a great extravaganza was held on July 4, 1986, to commemorate the monuments' 100th birthday. I was on a Good Go boat with a few Carpies not far from the JF Kennedy Aircraft carrier surrounded by a giant flotilla of ships. The fireworks were magnificent, but by the time we saw them our boat was well up the river.

April 1, 1986, Columbia Center

We all went to Valley Forge last night for our Il Jun prayer. It was a beautiful evening; the night was warm. Didn't see Haley's Comet though. I had to return early with the headquarters people, in a little Nissan. Along the way the driver nodded off into the wheels of a tractor-trailer, which chewed up the door a bit. No one was hurt.
             I signed up for a course at the International Center of Photography, on shooting with slide film. One of my missions is Director of Photography.

1987

I started off 1987 at Nero's Eve party at the Manhattan Center photographing the event. I enrolled in two photography classes at the International Center for Photography and a course in Mastering Correct English at New York University. (Several CARP members took courses so that we could legitimately witness on canvas.) Dr. Seuk gave a seminar to 30 members in Connecticut and I was there to shoot it. CAUSA hired me to go to the St. Moritz Hotel and do a report on Annette Kirk, who wrote a paper on Morality in Education. When CARP headquarters went to Dr. Suek's house for his birthday party I shot four rolls. I took a Delta flight to Dallas, and went on to Austin to photograph the MFT workshop held in an old playhouse. Besides doing photography, I went to screenings and wrote movie reviews for the World University Times.

            

             My studio was once a gym and shower facility on the fourth floor of the New Yorker, and having no windows it made an ideal darkroom. A rudimentary developing lab and enlarger were at my disposal, but I rarely used them, taking most of the work to a nearby lab. I made a few Cibachrome prints using chemicals having a nasty and almost deadly smell. Inadvertently I sniffed one of the canisters. The darkroom had originally been just for photography, but the video department with Owen C and his equipment moved in, adding discomfort to the room. There was little space, and no windows. Owen set up the editing equipment in a stuffy projection booth and spent many hours editing an endless slew of CARP events. The heat generated from the editing equipment, the five hot lights that I used for photography, the warmth from the light tables, the lack of ventilation, the sticky odor of chemicals, coupled with the occasional smeared carcass of a crushed cockroach all contributed to the disagreeable atmosphere. Owen and I made the best of it, and would sometimes watch videos such as Time Bandits in the projection room.

             In my walks to photography courses and the photo district I took the odd picture to practice my craft. Some of my semiotic endeavors included a baby blue brick building with paintings of cattle in parachutes; a faded Lady of Liberty and derelict tenements in Harlem with boarded up windows. I went to the Loeb Student Union to cover the Drug Task Force and walked around Washington Square, which was teaming with people and took a few shots.

Nearly every week I went to Belvedere. On January 26, I rode in a video van that had just been broken into. The driver's window was cracked and fell apart after a few bumps. It was cold, and I recalled what Rev. Sudo had said: "When you're staying in a room with broken windows in the New Yorker, think about Father when he started the movement in a tiny hut made of cardboard. Think of it as if it were the same wind blowing in the cracks."

             Another time I went to Belvedere to see Father and sat in the third row. The topic was: Liberation of the Spirit World and Physical World and the Unification of the World. Father spoke several Sundays in succession, and at most of the speeches I took copious notes. Sometimes though, I was a little tired, and dozed off only to inscribe one page. 

             On April 5th, Father spoke on Blessing Families, Are They Precious. After returning from Belvedere, I met up with Yoshiko and her cousins who went with us to the Bronx Zoo. While there I photographed their little boy with his jacket turned up like wings. 

While moving everything from room 2047 to 2834-35 on the evening of February 8 a yellow "U Post It" sticker appeared on the bathroom mirror; it was from Yoshiko, saying that we could get married in the morning. Although we already had a "church" wedding, we needed to make it legal, especially with a baby on the way. I had been trying for several weeks to get legally married, so that tiny yellow sticker was a welcome sight.
             We left for City Hall early to get a waiver to be married the same day. On the waiver, in the box for "reason..." I wrote that it was my birthday, and that Yoshiko was sick the previous week and couldn't take any more time off work. The ceremony was over in a flash. That evening I went to a Photography class on studio lighting. Afterwards I went with two fellow students for a coffee.

             One Friday afternoon Mike McShane and I went to Washington Square and took a couple photographers we met to the video center. The second one, Ae Kyong, a student of fine art photography, went to the Columbia Center for the dinner program. I took an interesting photograph of her sneakers. I had to leave to go back to the Manhattan Center for my part time job. That evening the Mask and Wig club of the University of Pennsylvania put on their annual production of "Eureka! I Hardly Know Ya." I liked the "Why Botha," skit-featuring penguins against apartheid.
             The following evening I went to the Columbia center because Ae Kyong was supposed to join us, but she didn't quite make it. I went to bed early so that I could wake up at 3:30 to go to Belvedere to see Father. The speech was entitled The Original Family and the Contemporary Family.

             On the afternoon of March 8th, 1987 I was in the lobby of the Manhattan Center when Mike came in with Ae Kyoung. The people at Columbia Center had been quite pushy so she was reluctant to come back Saturday, which was "family night." She stopped by and I took a break to let them see the photo studio around the corner. After that they went to the production room, so that Mike could show them where he pastes up the World University Times.

             Made a sudden departure to Austin, Texas, where Owen and I went to shoot the Campus Renaissance Festival. It was a Sunday and we had coffee during the long stopover with the Chinese girl who sat across the aisle on the plane. Upon arriving Owen and I shot some 8 Ball; played some video games and went to the movie, Room With A View.
              The main event of the Campus Renaissance Festival was held in the square beside the Tower. A large crowd gathered to hear the New Vision Band, and see the Martial art demonstration where a brother broke a baseball bat with his shins. The dean of students came out to shake Dr. Seuk's hand when Dr, Suek finished his speech. I took about 20 rolls of film in three days, and put my back out a bit. At one point I climbed on top of the rickety Apartheid Shanty, for a better vantage point. Dr. Suek liked photographs that showed as many people as possible in attendance.
             When it was over Dr. Suek bought some gourmet cookies and passed them out to the band members who were sitting in the courtyard. Later, when we gathered at the center he praised Hong Yu, the CARP representative on campus, and reminded us that she was from Red China. At one point with her and said, "You can't escape, for there is only one universe and only One God."
             On my last evening in Texas Mr. Aoki asked me to join the fundraising teams who were heading for a restaurant. Jerry from Finland encouraged me to sing in the van; I agreed to sing if we stopped somewhere. We parked by a baseball field to give a brief testimony of my experience on MFT.

             Wednesday afternoon Dr. Seuk was about to leave when he received a phone call about a matching on Friday. I stayed until Thursday morning, and then flew home. A number of members went to the airport with me, including Hong Yu who flew to New York. When I got back, Dr. Seuk pretended to yell at me for not coming back sooner. "But you told me stay to shoot the MFT meeting..."

             Ken Owens of New Future Film asked me to help shoot the matching. I spoke to him in the grand ballroom still holding the 20 rolls in a lead shield bag, and started working with him as soon as I could. As the matching began we set up a white seamless backdrop to take photos of the couples as they exited the ballroom. Time after time I would say, "Put your feet on the line, look at the camera, keep your eyes open, smile." I shot about 300 of the thousand or so couples. One of the last to be matched was Nancy in her wheelchair.
              Father said that Nancy was "a heroine of our movement," and about 20 brothers volunteered to be matched to her. She spent a long time before finally accepting. I photographed her impromptu congratulatory party in the CARP office, where she helped Robin with the secretarial work.

             Ash Wednesday started with a video of the Campus Renaissance Festival, which Owen put on for morning service. After that Phil Rogers, Steve Kennet and I went to the Sunset Cafe for breakfast. I had oatmeal and two whiskey downs, as usual.
             Had to leave early to take the subway to Brooklyn to see the dentist, who removed a loose Maryland Bridge and sent it out for repairs. On the way I took a few shots of a derelict yellow cab on 33rd, just outside Madison Square Garden. The cab had the hood up, the windows were smashed and exterior was a little burnt, so it seemed a bit comical. Then on the subway, I looked up from reading the Times at two oriental girls across the aisle, both with shiny lipstick on. I noticed a faint reflection on one of the girl’s lips, from the book she was studying. I noticed it because I had been working with studio light and reflectors. I was sensitizing myself to light conditions. Upon returning I exited below the boarded up Gimbals store where a number of homeless men were camped out on cardboard. A Rolls Royce advertisement above them read: "I got my new car in the Times." I could have photographed it, but didn't, thinking what Robert Blake, my instructor at the International Center of Photography had said, "What is the relationship of the photographer to the subject?"
             Stopped at Box One but my order wasn't finished; their color printer was spitting up dirty prints. Went to my studio and relocated the audio equipment so that both Owen and I could use it. This required moving steel desks and filing cabinets without removing the contents. I also set up the studio so that I could do an assignment for the photography class, and asked a few Japanese members from CARP headquarters to sit for me. I tried to shoot portraits of Miyuki, but she was too reluctant and shy. Finally Shogo and Junpi came down with her and she posed. The project was to make five shots; overhead, glamour, flat, low light and back light, so I asked. The fifth shot was to be taken after making the subject relaxed.
             The portraits kept me busy most the day, except for going to Ken Hansen's to have a flash unit looked at. On the way back I picked up the eight by ten prints of the west coast Campus Renaissance Festival. I started putting them into an album, which Dr. Suek would present to Father.
             Before dinner I went to the children's martial arts class in the basement of the New Yorker and took pictures. The children were well behaved, because Amy  Schuckers said the pictures were for Dr. Suek, the founder of Won Wha Do. Then I went to the sixth floor for dinner and a saw a bit of the news. Jim was playing guitar and handed it to me, so I played Nobody Knows You When You're Down and Out. Sheryl came in with some cookies. After that I vacuumed my room and finished rearranging the studio. Reagan was on the television when we gathered for evening prayer, so we watched that a while. June was moved by the President's speech; Gareth Davies said that it was significant that he spoke on Ash Wednesday.

On a warm spring day I walked to the ICP, which was at 94th and 5th for my Cibachrome class, cutting through Central Park. The Cibachrome instructor showed the class how he used photochemistry to create works of art. I wasn't impressed even though he showed his work, "Only in galleries that handle painters." I had a nap upon returning, and then went out for lunch with Nancy and Anne Nordquist, who was now in the Performing Arts Department. On the 8th floor of the Herald Center we ran into Sheryl, Owen and Mike.

             Monday I went to a number of labs, after making a black and white print of Dr. Seuk speaking at the Campus Renaissance Festival in California. I made the usual rounds to Box One, Olden’s, and Ken Hansen's where I looked into buying a view camera so that I could make money on the side. At the Studio Lighting class I explained how I made the five shots of Myuki. Sing Si Schwartz, the instructor said that they were all photographed correctly but were printed flat.

              After class I had coffee with Norma who wanted to work as a photographer for the FBI. She told me how she had set up a dark room at her cottage and how the chemicals had frozen in the winter. I came back and found that Owen was getting prepared to fly to New Mexico to cover the Campus Renaissance Festival. I was not asked to go.

             Arrived home at about 10 pm one evening having driven from Boston where I covered the Renaissance Festival. There were packages of slides from the lab waiting for me in my office. I took them upstairs to my room. Yoshiko was lying in bed reading a book. I had a quick shower. Just as I was about to sleep Nate W knocked on the door and said I should meet him in the lobby at 3:45 a.m. to go fundraising. He showed up at 4:20. My mission for April 18, 1987 was to man a flower stand at an abandoned Mister Donuts on the outskirts of North Hempsted. After reading a letter from Debbie Wilson, who had just moved to Atlanta to manage a Christian Bernard store, I looked at the slides. Yoshiko showed me the pictures from the previous Sunday at Bronx Zoo.

            
             After Hyun Jin Nim and Jung Sook Nim's Holy Wedding I went down to the grand ballroom and picked up some souvenir confetti, along with some heart shaped "I Love You," balloons. There were a few left in clusters on the ceiling, which had been released when the couple exited down the aisle. Someone poked the orbs with a stick and the balloons tumbled into an eager scramble of hands. The wedding was the highlight of a hectic two weeks. 

             I was training to become the CARP photographer; to document Rev. Sun Myung Moon and His times. One of the courses I took was Psychological Portraiture with Sing Si Schwartz. Sing Si had studied with Philippe Halstrom who shot the definitive portrait of Einstein. When Halstrom took the picture, he asked Einstein about his feelings concerning the Atomic bomb just before clicking the shutter. But that was just one emotion. The worry was evident in Einstein's sad eyes. What would be the definitive portrait of Sun Myung Moon? Could a photographer know the perfect question to ask to capture Father's essence on film?  Could one picture capture the depth of Father's character, and if so how long would the image last? A printed picture might last a hundred years, then fade away. Would images be duplicated into lost generations of infinity? What if cameras existed in Jesus' time? Which disciple would take the pictures? Perhaps all of them. What if the image of Christ could be engraved on the face of a diamond? Would the image last forever?

             When my schedule became too hectic I dropped my English class. I missed my last class due to attending Hyun Jin Nim's Wedding reception at the Manhattan Center. My sole duty that evening was to watch the exit doors and to help wheel the cake through the red velvet curtain unto the stage. I was working part time at the Manhattan Center, and was quite busy with CARP.
             I flew out to Wisconsin to photograph CARP's Campus Renaissance Festival in Madison where the leftists came out in full farce to disrupt our activities. They wore black and white Rev. Moon facemasks and made obnoxious Hitler salates. One put a fingerprint on my 18-mm lens as I photographed the event. The town was in full blossom, and the sky was pure blue. After viewing the movie, Lethal Weapon, I had ice cream with the New Vision Band before my flight home.

             Yoshiko gave birth to a girl weighing 6 pounds, 13 ounces in the last week of June, 1987 at 4:48 a.m. at St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital in Manhattan. As Yoshiko changed into her hospital gown she asked me to leave the room, being her usual modest self, but then the contractions increased and she called me back. I changed into a blue smock and stood beside her, she didn't have her glasses on and said, "Where's my husband." I helped by wiping her brow. The nurse said that Yoshiko was stoic, for she made no noises. Only her face tensed with pain. The Doctor suggested I take pictures just after the delivery, so I did.
             A day later while Robin was on the phone to Dr. Suek in Korea, I interrupted to ask if he could name the baby. He suggested Mi Young if it is the first name, and Miyoung if it is the second name. I discussed the name with Yoshiko and she said that too many babies were named Mi Young. I suggested Renee. I was about to call the French Embassy, from a pay phone at the hospital, to get the correct spelling, when a Frenchman happened by and enlightened me.

             Gazing into the haze of a semi-purple heat wave I noticed that the huge beer bottle painted on the skyscraper across the street had been erased. The building had been whitewashed in my absence, while I was a councilor for half a dozen eleven year olds at Camp Sunrise at the Unification Theological Seminary. From July 11 to July 25. Vital excitement of my two week stint included: explaining how frogs got on the roof to croak in a puddle (they evaporated) watching blessed children play Dungeons and Dragons, using a flashlight pointer to illustrate the constellations reenacting the pangs of the cosmos on the ceiling, and singing Yodeling Frog and Walking on Air around a campfire. There were five kids in my group, Junto Hose, Trius Fernsler, Jo Young Seuk, Do Hi Ang and Masukuni Kamiyama.

             Upon arriving at the East Coast CARP workshop at French Creek campsite early in September 1987, I felt an overwhelming sadness. I wasn't so connected to the members. It could have been that I was disappointed that after waiting two months go get money to support a family, I was told that I should, "Fundraise for it."
             When I told a few friends about the direction to fund raise for money to support my family, some said, "You should leave CARP."

I talked to Phil Rogers. about it, about how New Future Photo wanted me to do color printing part time. "Maybe in God's timetable it's time for you to move on. But Dr. Seuk doesn't like it when members with training leave HQ." CARP didn't have businesses or a budget similar to that of the church. Nothing was final. Gareth said that he would meet with me again after morning service.

             The workshop turned out to be better than anticipated. Hyo Jin Nim was delayed a day, so we had an extra day to practice the songs we would sing for him. I ended up singing Walking On Air. Hyo Jin Nim's shook hands with everyone after his speech. Then he sang a number of songs and made a dramatic exit. Everyone was running after the car; there must have been two hundred of us. Just as the car was about to leave the ranger pulled up and I heard some one say, "We were only supposed to have 117 people here."
              

I went back in the main lodge and talked to Owen as he broke down his video equipment. He complained that CARP was like a "Clique of bourgeoisie elitists." Owen was upset that Robin had given snapshots of the Berlin Rally to everyone but him. I had to agree with him for the moment, thinking of the list of members who always went to the birthday celebrations at East Garden. It was always the same handful of people from CARP HQ who would go each time. I thought about the first time I went to East Garden.

My first visit to East Garden was on Friday July 11, 1986; it was Sun Jin Nim's birthday. I finally asked Howard Self to put me on the list. Gaetan, Howard, Anna York, Susan Avery and Josie Lawson went with us; we met John Dickson there. Howard told us what to expect on the way; he was very good at giving guidance and heavenly etiquette. My attitude may not have been prayerful enough; still I felt that it was a blessing, something I've always longed to do. I had no trouble taking in two Nikon F3's and did a lot of shooting.  After the official photo session True Parents sat down while the rest of us went through the buffet line. I had two cameras around my neck and told a security guard, that I was trying to be subtle with my equipment. After we ate, some of the younger True Children, the boys, pointed their plastic machine guns into my lenses in a good-natured mischievous way. David Kim acted as an impromptu MC. Hyo Jin Nim played about four songs, one of them an Elvis number. Then two other True Children sang Country Roads and Danny Boy. Some Korean sisters in traditional dress played drums and sang, then some Japanese sisters. David Kim asked for volunteers and I played A Miracle America sitting on a chair, using Hyo Jin Nim's black Ovation guitar. As I was playing Josie took one of my cameras and tried to photograph me, but she fumbled with the equipment. I later heard from Robert Davis of New Future Photo that he could see that it wasn't going to be a good picture. Before returning to New York I took pictures of everyone on the Holy Rock.

Renée's One Hundred Day Ceremony was celebrated on Sunday, October 4, with about twenty-five people in attendance. A couple days later she started going to the nursery run by Kanae Holt. Yoshiko went back to work at I Travel on the 47th floor of the Empire State Building. She saw a couple doctors due to Mastitis, and hadn't been able to breast feed Renée. A few of her friends helped by offering milk.

            October 27 was a rainy day in New York. Yoshiko finished feeding Renée and put her to bed. I wrote and sent my mother some pictures. I had started working part time at New Future Photo doing color printing and did the odd photo shoot. They flew me to Los Angeles to shoot the Science Conference. Some jobs that I did on my own included going to the Touch Ross offices for Champion, a church related carpet cleaning concern, and photographing promo shots of Joe Longo wearing a leather jacket.

Just after midnight on Oct. 21, 1987 while doing an Il Jong Prayer in the fifth floor prayer room I thought about the rest of CARP Headquarters who were driving up to Belvedere. I felt a bit tearful and also a physically strained, something connected to my stomach, being a little overweight and all. I had been sitting in the lobby and watched the HQ members arrange transportation to go to the prayer. Sholeh Amini was first, then June Saunders. I told June that I wasn't going, that I would pray here — I had a bad experience on a previous trip when Dave Tebo was driving to an Il Jong prayer and nudged up to a tractor trailer and scraped the car door. As members filed out to the van outside the New Yorker I thought about how Headquarters had changed in the three years I had been there. Only Robin, Mike Joroszko and Phil Rogers remained from the original staff. Many had gone on to other missions. The HQ director, and Dr. Suek's assistant was Gareth Davis. Mary Pat, Gareth's wife helped Robin with the secretarial work. Amy Shuckers was acting as the liaison to the Mr. and Mrs. University Pageant. Kuniko, Myuki and Kiko helped Phil Rogers with the bookkeeping. Lynn Sofinsoski also helped Phil sometimes, commuting from Long Island City. On the 5th floor in the production room Mike Jorosko was getting a lot of outside graphic artwork. Jennifer did graphic art for us and got outside work as well. Mike M did the layout. June S and Jim A put out the World University Times. Then there was Sheryl, the typesetter who was consistently talkative through the Sunday movie we rented. Tim Davis came in from Long Island sometimes to maintain the computers. Mr. Okamrua looked after the affairs of the 100 Japanese CARPies. Shogo did the general affairs. Finally there was Owen, who shared the 4th floor photo video studio with me.

After photographing a professor's banquet in Stony Brook I thought about the image of Manhattan looming before me as I drove through a giant cemetery. Beyond endless tombstones a faint outline of trees was green with the first buds of spring — and the Manhattan Skyline above the trees completed the picture. At the campus I happened upon a young man with a peace sign around his neck playing Blowing in the Wind. The last time I encountered a budding folk singer was at a University in Seoul, Korea. (Except of course for the lady with the winged helmet who sang techno rock in front of the Woolworth's store beside the cable car turnaround in San Francisco.) Although I was immersing myself in photography, and looked at everything as a potential picture, I was still a songwriter at heart.

             The lady with the winged helmet at the cable car turnaround reminded me of Paul Klee's Hero With the Wing. I viewed some of some of Paul Klee's works at the Museum of Modern Art and was inspired by some words on a brochure: "Hero With the Wing, whose figure remains rooted on the ground on one side and equipped for flight on the other, expressed Klee's ironic view of the central tragedy of humankind: soaring aspirations are inevitably checked by bonds of earthly existence." The CARP logo featured a person with arms reaching to the heavens with feet straddling the ground. A run of CARP approach books printed with the symbol in thick black had to be trashed because it made the man in the middle look like "Death."

             Sunday October 4 we celebrated Renee’s 100-Day Ceremony, two days before we started putting her in a nursery. Yoshiko started work again at I Travel on the 49th floor of the Empire State Building. She’ was seeing a couple doctors for mastitis, as a result of not being able to breastfeed Renee herself. A few of her friends helped with milk.
             I started a couple more courses at ICP, black and white darkroom and a lecture series. My first assignment will be the effects of morning light reflected off buildings. I have a computer in our room on the 28th floor.

             Dr. Suek gave the direction that all members should study the DP for two hours a day. Last night we had a generic birthday party to celebrate everyone’s birthday, so far this year.

October 27, 1987 was a rainy autumn evening; Yoshiko finished feeding Renee and put her to bed. I wrote a letter to my mother and sent her some baby pictures. The following day I started work at New Future Photo as a part time color printer two days a week. On the national news, Dan Rather announced the killing of Lee Shapiro and his assistant, in Afghanistan; they were ambushed by Soviet backed Afghan soldiers. He was making a documentary sponsored by the Unification Church.

November 10 1987

The other night I was returning from a lecture at ICP and ran into Dr. Suek in the elevator. He said “You can do general affairs when you are not doing photography. Do it with Joyful heart.” I was quite depressed after hearing that and didn’t see much of a future in general affairs.

HANDFUL OF STARS

December 16, 1987

             For the first two weeks of December two I fundraised with metal etchings. I did Red Bank and Little Silver in New Jersey using New Jersey Transit trains to get there. With the money I made I went to 47 Street Photo, bought an IBM clone and had Mark Clevenger set it up. I bought a computer desk two days ago and got a ride back to the New Yorker in a gypsy cab with an unusual Hare Krishna cabby who poured tons of eye drops into his contacts while driving, smoking and witnessing to me about Lord Krishna. It took me about three hours to assemble it in the hall using the Phillips screwdriver on my Swiss Army knife.

             At this time The New Yorker is doing its yearly registration, and the qualifications are more stringent, only those with “absolute” commitment can stay. Those who are known to be without Central figures have received their notice of eviction, which can be contested My next door neighbor got his notice; he says that his Central Figure Dr. Pak is in the hospital in Korea after being handcuffed and beaten by “black” Heung Jin Nim. He said that three pints of blood had to be drained from his brain because of the clot.

             I picked up some of my writings from a trunk at 49 Mary Street, and read some of the letters I sent home when I first joined. They are pretty hard to read. If I were to see one of my old friends, and they were to accuse our church of doing weird things, it would be harder to defend them. The one thing though, the most important thing, is that I can honestly say that I got what I wanted, that is, true love. I have a lovely wife and a wonderful girl, and that is something a lot don’t have.

             I just went to the airport to pick up Yoshiko, who went to Dallas for a three-day computer seminar. I received thirty dollars in a birthday card from dr. Suek.

            

              It was Parent’s Day yesterday, and I photographed Hyo Jin Nim giving the sermon, then the entertainment at the Manhattan Center. Some of Hyo Jin Nim’s songs were broadcast with a slide.

April 13, 1988

             The other day was the wedding Anniversary of Un Jin Nim and Jin Han Nim, so I went to East garden to take pictures. After I talked to Mary Jane Tashuro, the resident piano instructor for True Children. She said that since I had changed missions I have been treated with more respect. The guard referred to me as “Stefan the photographer.” She called me up month or so later and sang the melody to a song over the phone, wanting me to set lyrics to it.

June 26, 1988

             Renee celebrated her first birthday this afternoon. I prayed then she blew out the candle. Then we put a paintbrush, a flute, a fifty-dollar bill and a pen for her to choose her destiny. There were fifteen or so people there, mostly Japanese couples. Tom Ahlers took the video. Debbie Wilson was there but her husband was at the “White House.”

July 8, 1988

             Renee, Yoshiko and I went to Coney Island to see the Air Show. We arrived at 1:20 pm and ate Nathan’s. I didn’t get a god picture of the F16 flying overhead. Shot some pictures of Green Beret in parachutes. Yoshiko was anxious to return home. 

Aug 6, 1988

             I went on an outing with Yoshiko’s department, last week and spent the day at a resort playing tennis, riding the paddle boats, shooting Uzi’s (They charged by the round so I declined preferring to save my money for a light meter.)

September 6, 1988

Today, Ken Owens and I went to Ken Hansen’s and picked up a number of lenses to send to Korea, totaling around $23,000.00

This evening Renee had just got out of the tub, stood in front of the altar with a wallet sized picture of True Parents and bowed three times. I sold my Speedatron light set Mark Hinkler for $350. I visited Ellen Hori in New Jersey, and saw her new baby. I weigh about 184 pounds right now.

December 4, 1988

             Went to Belvedere this morning, and took a camera system to Ian Reid who has been going hunting with Hyo Jin Nim and wanted to take photos. There was a buck hanging up in the basement of the training center, before the metal detector. Rev. Pak, the regional leader of the New York Region spoke about True Parents being the Pillars of fire and clouds. Ian was in the kitchen cutting up the venison into strips to make jerky. After I showed him how to use to equipment he made me some breakfast of fried egg and venison.

             In the evening Yoshiko cooked some more venison that Ian gave me, and Tom Ahlers was over for dinner too. Renee was not so interested in the venison, but Yoshiko mixed some up in rice so that she could try it.
             Watched the videos I had made of Renee yesterday, shots of a music box Renee stood in front of the TV and said, and “bear.” My mother called about our upcoming trip to Canada, I told her if something comes up I wouldn’t be coming.

             Last Friday evening I went to the Mariot Marquis at Times Square and set up to take a group short of the Japanese Federation of Ladies for Peace in Asia. When it came time to take the picture, Mr. Awaki told me I’m taking too much time, and ordered me to get off the stage. Ken had to drive up to the seminary to take the shot I missed.

January 19, 1989

             As I write this from the 28th floor of the New Yorker the lights of the Chrysler Building and the Empire State Building are still illuminated. This will be the last letter I write from here because we are moving to the19th floor to a connected room with a view.

January 26 1989

             Picked up Ken Owens from the airport this morning. Started Sunday, (25th) and worked every available time to get everything moved. The hardest thing to move was the double pine bed frame, which was glued together and had to be carried down nine flights because it wouldn’t fit in an elevator.

February 1, 1989

             Saturday I took Renee to the Doctors because she had bronchitis. Then I went to the Wiz and bought a new VCR. Sunday I went to Belvedere and photographed Hyo Jin Nim, then went shopping in New Jersey in preparation for the little one due March 9th.

February 4, 1988

             February 2 was Shin Gil Nim’s birthday and Ken and I left at 5 am, to go to East Garden. There was a big offering table and everything started at 7. Since it was the first birthday, a number of items, including a bow were put in front of Shin Gil Nim for him to choose his destiny. He chose the stack of Divine Principle books.

             After the group picture, everyone sat down for breakfast. I took pictures of some of the younger children in the foyer outside the main room. Shin Jueng Nim, still in her green Korean dress was offering Shin Gil Nim, who was being held by his nanny by the door, her lollypop. After breakfast Hyo Jin Nim scolded the leaders for not taking more responsibility, that they shouldn’t take the celebration too whimsically. He also spoke about how serious Kook Jin Nim is.

             We played Yute with prizes of three, two and one grand going to the top three winning teams. Ken said that I could play as he went to take some baby pictures for Nan Sook Nim. I played on Peter Kim’s team with the blessed children: Jin Kun Kim, Un Sook Kim, Young Jun Kim, Sun Hae Kim, Jin Man Kwak, Hae Bok Lee, with Jerry, Mike and I making up the tenth players. We won third place, which meant that I took home a hundred dollar bill. Hyo Jin Nim presented the prizes.

Feb. 13, 1989

             Today I went to Dr. Roy Geronemus for the third major zap session on my birthmark. My appointment had been moved up, so I asked him if he would be leaving earlier.  He said, no, he was writing a chapter about laser treatment in his book. I told him that I was writing my autobiography. He said something to the effect: ‘Who are you to be doing that?’ I said it was the autobiography of an ordinary person, which makes it different. All the while he was zapping my neck with painful blasts of the laser gun. There were gauze strips beneath the goggles to protect my eyes from stray beams.  So then I told him I was a member of the Unification Church, and that my marriage was arranged, that Rev. Sun Myung Moon chose a wife for me. He asked how Rev. Moon could be qualified to do that, so I told him that he can see a person’s spirit and their ancestors back seven generations. I talked about how my wife was Japanese and how I volunteered for her, how we went up to the balcony in the New Yorker’s grand ballroom to discuss whether we would accept the match. The nurse asked what was my impression when I first saw my wife— I said that I couldn’t believe how beautiful she was. The nurse and the Doctor said I was lucky, or something like that. Since I was talking about the blessing the treatment wasn’t so painful. I walked into the lobby of the New Yorker with a big bandage on my neck and someone asked ‘What happened to you?’ I told them ‘I cut myself shaving.’

There has been a big push to get everyone to leave the New Yorker. We arranged to rent a Ryder truck and started taking boxes to the first floor. Since so many people were moving out at the same time, you had to stack your boxes in such a way as to stake out temporary space. It was a madhouse at the Ryder place, with so many members renting trucks. Found a parking space on the North side of 35th, and was helped by Saito. Drove off with everything after Ken Owens helped me with the last things from the room, my valuables. The Landlord at Lincoln Street, in Little Ferry came by with an electric saw and helped me trim the pine double bed to get it through the doorway. Talked the broker down to $550.00 finders fee. Came back and helped Ken load the truck with stuff for Yonkers, and took the Aerostar to Little Ferry with the rest of my stuff. Saturday I took Yoshiko, Renée and Leon to the airport, so that they could go to Japan, and then helped Ken move to Yonkers. I would join them in Japan in a month.

SECOND TRIP TO JAPAN

Good Friday was rainy and windy as I went to the Citibank at 34th and 7th to cash my check. There was a huge inflatable Humpty Dumpty at Macy's above the door midway between 6th and 7th. It had just been punctured and the escaping air made his arms flail with abandon. By the time I'd been to Kiddy City to buy a birthday present Humpty Dumpty was totally deflated and half a dozen Macy's men with their bright orange raincoats were taking him down.

On the way back from the dentist in Rego Park I bought two lion books for Renée. My dentist informed me that the last dentist caused the problem I have. I had half a normal bridge wobbling and a Maryland Bridge on the other side wobbling around. It might take about five grand to fix it. After reading the book Renée would make a nice silent lion's roar, crinkling up her face with an open mouth; but she wouldn't do it for the camera.

             Ken and I went to East Garden to shoot the Korean tribal leaders. At 11 p.m. I was informed that I had to go with the Korean tribal leaders to Niagara Falls, taking an early flight with them. While waiting for the Maid of the Mist Betty L told me that she had gone to Canada once and thought that there would be Mounties everywhere in their red tunics. Then she went back to a military airfield in Virginia just as Queen Elizabeth was visiting, and she saw rows of Mounties lining up.

             

While they were gone I did a few freelance photo shoots. At 4 pm one afternoon Richard Panzer called me to do a photo shoot at Belvedere for a Free Teens poster so I took a cab to Grand Central Station then a train to Irvington. Richard was waiting for me with a minister's son named Terrance, and Sara and Min Shim. Sun Jin Nim was there too, and she asked if I was a "professional." I told her I worked with New Future and she said she didn't recognize me without a suit. It was drizzling while I took pictures, and Sun Jin Nim held the umbrella for me, so the camera wouldn't get wet. After the shoot we went to Howard Johnson's and then Richard had me home in Little Ferry by 10 PM. In the morning I was woken from a dream of Father walking into the room and everyone bowing.

             Charles of Champion and a saleslady named Susan picked me up at the New Yorker for another photo shoot. We drove to a factory in Ossining where I took a few shots for Russell Allen. Susan kept telling Russell that I wasn't professional.

             Did a photo shoot of David Eaton May 9 at Carnegie Hall as he was conducting an Orchestra, lying on my belly to shoot from a tiny hole in the wall. Came back to an empty room at the New Yorker, and found a snapshot with some negatives slipped under the door. It was from Richard Panzer's photo shoot, a picture of Sun Jin Nim holding an umbrella for me.

             At Belvedere one Sunday morning Peter Kim told me that Father wanted a group picture taken. I went to East Garden where Ken was setting up. Mother came in and made reference to the style of photography she wanted by pointing to a group picture that was on the wall. She spoke to Peter Kim and I heard her say the word "professional." A photo album was brought down and she showed us one of her favorite photos, the one taken by Robert Davis in the yellow room, about ten years ago. After the photo I went on stage behind Father and Mother with a few leaders and Kwon Jin Nim took the picture. I was the only one in the photo with my jacket unbuttoned.

             Father directed all American members to be assigned by lottery to mission countries, and were to spend 40 days there. I was assigned to Bolivia, but couldn't go. Around September Ken went to Zimbabwe, so I was left to take care of NFP.

             During that time I shot Shin Eh Nim's and Shin Ok Nim's birthday celebrations, and took portraits. Mother asked me my name as I went up to the head table. The rest of the day I photographed the two birthday girls.

On the weekend of the rodeo at Deer Park I had to go back up Sunday because the day prior my Metz flash didn't work. I didn't go to Belvedere that morning, when mother was looking for me to photograph two special ginseng roots. I shot them the following day with a 4 x 5 camera and some red velvet that mother had supplied.

             I returned to EG the following Thursday to do more portraits. Jun Sook Nim called me a couple times at my home to talk about her photo order. Then another Sunday Nan Sook Nim talked to me after Belvedere and made an order sitting in the old house at the breakfast table. She asked if I had children and I showed her pictures. She said that Leon was handsome. I did In Jin Nim's new baby's 8 day ceremony the day Ken came back. Then I did the 21-day because Ken's daughter poked him in the eye.

             On the morning that I took a shot that was used on the cover of Today's World Mother asked me to sit at the table and have breakfast with them.

The day after Operation Desert Storm began, when we were in the meeting room outside Rev. Kwak's office, Mr. Yoshida interrupted us watching television coverage of Smart Bombs hitting their targets to announce that there were to be cutbacks in the department. I was given a pink slip. We had just bought a new house in Woodbridge NJ, and Yoshiko was one month pregnant.

 I went on an outing yesterday to the Poconos with my wife's department. We spent the day at a resort playing tennis, riding the paddle boats, and looking at the mangy deer and the motley peacock that pass for a zoo. I took a few shots of Yoshiko and Renee before a mock oriental pool. I shot with Fuji Neopan 400 with a 25A filter underexposing everything by one stop, This heightened the cloud formations and turned the foliage a lighter shade of pale; I took a couple shots of the swans on the lake. I had intended to use the 25A filter come fleet week when a number of ships were on view in Manhattan. It would have made the tourists on the battleships appear to be taking a moonlit stroll on the deck of America beneath ominous clouds.

Friday the 23rd of February I drove to Bay Ridges in Brooklyn to give some samples to Wayne Drew’s wife. I met Wayne at the opening of Deer Park, and got him to sign up in the multi level US Sprint, to get customers to change long distance carriers. He didn’t sign up any customers and wondered why he didn’t make any money. I returned this time to the restaurant with the samples. Today when I called him he complained, “The samples were too small,” and, “It is difficult for woman to change cosmetic lines.”

             After dropping off the samples I stopped at the New Yorker and picked up the equipment I needed for the shoot at the Fish House in Elizabeth. I stopped in Phil Roger’s office and Phil was on the phone to Catherine who was upset that the church had enlist a rival long distance carrier. Phil helped me load the car, which was overheating and parked across from the New Yorker, at McDonald’s. We had coffee and talked about Nu Skin. Phil is my sponsor in Network 2,000, US Sprint.

             Saturday got the kids ready to go to Haruko’s place after dropping Yoshiko off at Fort Lee high. When I got the kids to Hasbruck Heights the car was overheating so I had a coffee in a restaurant, and read about the Trump split up in the Daily News. Left the hood open so the snowflakes would cool the engine. Put some antifreeze in the radiator and drove to the Fish house in Elizabeth. Shot the Lobster Room, using the Norman lights and my Bronica.

             Got back to the nursery about 2 pm and came home. Phil called and I went to the New Yorker to drop off the equipment and pick up a Nu Skin kit, which Miyako had ordered for me. Cleaned up the place a bit and Phil, Lucia and their daughter Andrea came over to watch the Nu Skin Video and sign up.

              Sunday Yoshiko was upset that I had invited a Japanese and Malaysian couple over for dinner; she walked out with Leon into the freezing cold, saying she would stay overnight with some friends. She called from the Food Mart and asked me to pick her up and drive her to Kasuko’s I put Renee in the car and picked her up and drove her to Kazuko’s. Got in the driveway and she changed her mind and said she would help me with the guests, so I drove her to Yaohan where she picked up some Sushi. The guests arrived at 4 and we had a pleasant dinner. They have a little daughter. After they left we put the kids to bed and did the laundry. To finish off the weekend we were affectionate to a point.

             Saturday morning three weeks later I took Yoshiko to her job teaching Japanese Weekend School at Fort Lee High, and then took Renee and Leon to Kazuko’s place. Then I went to Crystal World to meet Bob Klawitter, who would drop off his wife Kikuko, and take me to BJ’s Wholesale to buy some tires for our Nissan. We bought the tires, had them balanced and returned to 15 Lincoln Street in Little Ferry so he could pick up the crib. He had toast and tea, and I had macaroni. After loading the crib we went to an ATM so I could replace the 60 cash he fronted me for the tires.

             I ran into Kate O’Leary and her husband Jim, and Kate asked me about the house we were trying to buy in Nutley. I explained that we didn’t get the house because my employer’s Human Resource person had told the State Mortgage agency that I received Child care benefits, which disqualified us, and would have made our mortgage $1300.00 per month, so we cancelled. Kate said she had a singing engagement coming up, so I wrote it down in my notebook. Jim asked how we knew each other, so I said, “The bus.” We met commuting to New York. (I sat beside her a few times and looked at the headshots that she sent out.) I told them about Nu Skin; Jim gave me their number and said call Wednesday. After they went into Pathmark I stopped in at the Basken Robbins and had a cherry vanilla cone.

             We spent the month of April buying a two family house in Wood Ridge. The price is $210,000.00. Since we are putting 42K down income verification was not necessary. The mortgage broker who came over said he knew the 16 year-old boy who got shot by the police, last week in Teanack (he is black.) He said the boy had been dealing crack, and had at one time left vial at his house. Most of the down payment came from Yoshiko's parents. My mother could only give about $2,500.00

Leon has been walking the last couple of weeks.

             There was a lot of work to be done fixing it up. The first big project was to put up a stockade fence around the house. The neighbors didn't like the idea, and paid to have a new retaining wall put in instead. The neighbors at the back used the same contractor, and I paid a fraction of the cost for the last six feet to make it look like the fence was all my doing.

             The house was in need of painting so I bought a 20-foot extension to whitewash the exterior with a roller. The stucco was quite rough, so I ended up having to use a ladder. It took a lot of effort to raise the roller, I had to put it against the retaining wall and lift it straight up to the pure blue autumn sky and the white paint drips. Finally, I had Mike Mc Shane help me finish the attic. I had a friend do the electrical work, and a plumber put in a third furnace in the basement and a bathroom and heating upstairs. Mike and I took fifty pieces of sheet rock upstairs one night, to complete the job. The whole thing was done without a permit. 

 

August 16, 1990

             Here in the tiny second floor porch of our new home at 553 Anderson Ave. In Wood Ridge, New Jersey, I begin a journal entry after not writing one for what seems to be over a year. We closed on the house on June 15. The other day Renee said, “I can’t touch a plug, just ice cream, right daddy?” She also said, “Your name is Stefan, you’re a Canadian. We found a caterpillar and put it in a jar. We went out after dinner, dug up some bare patches, and Renee and Leon helped plant some grass seed. I’m being distracted by tense report from Baghdad, on the 15 dollar TV I have set up on she cheap computer desk.

                My daily routine was to drop Yoshiko off at the bus stop, then drop the kids off at Robby Road, in Little Ferry, where Renée was would be driven to Jin A in Clifton. One morning while getting the kids ready I shot a video of Renée spiking a slab of bologna with a number of toothpicks. When I picked up Renée and Leon from the nursery, sometimes we would stop by Teterboro Airport to watch the corporate jets landing. Renée would sit on the car saying "airplane," over and over. Renée drew me a picture of a helium filled heart balloon. "The balloon crashes into heaven where God can catch them with a net."

            The Gulf War had just begun and we were in Yoshida’s office watching smart Bombs being dropped in Iraq on TV, when I was told that some cuts were being made in some departments. I was given a pink slip at New Future Photo and spent two weeks showing my portfolio around seeking a job as a photographer. Studio 134 in Fort Lee said they would hire me if the current assistant were to be called to fight in the Gulf War. The last place I went to was Black Tie Photographers. They looked at my portfolio and said they would start training me right away.

             The following weekend Black Tie sent me to observe a wedding with one of their staff photographers. It started on the next block from our home in Wood Ridge. I would observe many weddings, as an unpaid assistant. I had wanted to work at a church related business, but there were few available. Mr. Yoshida, who oversaw New Future Photos, said that I should look for a job outside the church. My last paycheck would be Feb. 8th. I thought it was good to start working on my birthday, the day after my official time at New Future Photo ended.

             While training with Black Tie I worked for Americana Portraits as a baby photographer. Each morning I would get my assignment by fax, (at the Staples store on Route 17) and would drive about 150 miles to my area. The appointments were not always arranged logically so it was tough dealing with the schedule. I would arrive at a house, set up a portable studio, take seven shots of the child, push the mother to buy portraits, and get out as fast as possible. Sometimes it would be ten or eleven when I returned from driving two hundred miles down the shore. On one occasion I spaced out and left a hot light on a couch while I was setting up. It left a burnt ring on the new couch. Luckily they decided just to turn the cushion over.

             For the first few months at Black Tie while I worked for little or no pay to learn the business, Frank, was responsible to teach me. Sometimes, if he was given a tip Frank would split it with me, or if I was lucky I would be treated to an ice cream cone at Applegate Farms in Montclair. When it was time to go out on my own, I was nervous so Frank said, "You're a professional, you're wearing a five hundred dollar tuxedo..." In actuality the tuxedo I used was out of style and had been rented out till it was a wreck. Then it was put in service for another hundred times.

             At the Landmark, on the last wedding after training six months with Frank, I had my first chance to shoot on my own, and shot the cake cutting. I had just been outside to shoot the bride and groom with my camera set at two seconds after shooting the night shots with the illuminated tree. I forgot to reset my camera from a two second exposure to 30th of a second. All the proofs of the cake cutting and bouquet toss had light streaks through them. 

             At my first wedding shooting the formals in the dappled light around the pump house pond in Garfield, an usher quipped, "If you're thinking of becoming a comedian don't give up your day job." By the end of summer I had done about 20 weddings.

             Towards the end of August Black Tie wanted me to learn to shoot video. I had my own video camera and had been taking home movies. The last home movie I shot was of Naomi, our third child being carried out of Pascack Valley Hospital. Naomi Joy was born at the end of August. I sold my video camera thinking I would have use of the company camera. But then they changed their minds and decided I should stick to stills.

             Black Tie hired me to work full time, outfitting tuxedos 38 hours a week and shooting 90 weddings a year. The boss handed me a piece of paper with our agreement on it, stating my pay would go from $475 a week to $550 after six months. The average payment for a budget wedding was $200 at the time, so in effect I was working about 15 hours overtime every week, without getting overtime pay. It worked out that either I was not being paid overtime hours, or that by shooting 90 weddings Black Tie was getting me to work dirt cheap in the sweatshop. I did it because there weren't so many jobs out there at the time, and because I wanted to learn more about photography.

             

            

On the last Sunday of January 1992 I nearly lost my shoe in a McDonald's parking lot. We had just finished breakfast and were strapping the kids in our Burgundy 1983 Nissan Sentra. Leon, who was almost three, was strapped into a car seat in the right front passenger's seat. I secured him in from the right, having to open the side door to do it. Renée went in first, sitting behind Leon, then Naomi in her baby car seat, and Yoshiko directly behind me. The left front door was open and the cold winter air was coming in. Yoshiko said, "Shut the door." I was putting Renée's seatbelt on, in the rear seat, the furthest position from the driver's seat. I reached up with my foot and hooked my foot to the top of the window on the driver's side to shut it. The door closed but when my leg retreated to where I was in the back seat, my shoe was not on my foot. The sneaker had actually slipped off and was dangling from the outside of the window by a shoelace.

             Our family was driving from Hoboken, where I had picked up Yoshiko from the ferry, as she returned from her job as a bookkeeper at Nomura, by the World Trade Center. At approximately 8:30 p.m. May 26, 1992 I was traveling on a long entrance ramp onto 495 in North Bergen, NJ. The ramp was very long ramp and as I approached the stop sign at the end of the ramp I came to stop. As I was looking for a break in traffic, we were rear ended by a tow truck. We were all taken by ambulance to a nearby hospital. In the following days we took Naomi to several doctors — it became clear that her condition was serious, because she couldn't roll over in bed, and moved around on the floor in a sitting position, instead of crawling. 

           

             Meanwhile, the owner of Black Tie had a talk with me because a bride was unhappy with the pictures that I took, was upset that Frank, who had been promised to them, was not the photographer. She complained that the veil was in her husband's face. Joe said that he'd been "carrying" me for the last four months, that I should never work without my tie that I should always have my tuxedo pressed that I should look alive, and run from room to room.
             Standing in the shower to get rid of the smoke from a wedding reception, I wondered why my left arm was hurting so much from holding the camera. It became stiff and locked up while I shot weddings. It could have been that when I was in grade five I fell off the checkerboard sign and broke my arm. A Doctor who specialized in sports injuries diagnosed me having "Impingement Syndrome."

The weekend I shot a wedding at the Elmwood Park VFW hall where the mother hired a belly dancer, we went out looking for a car. I ended up buying a 1992 Nissan Stanza for $10,500.00 in a deal that took ten minutes. Our Burgundy Nissan had been totaled in the accident. 

 

July 24, 1992

             Lately incredible things have been happening to us. Two months ago our car was rear-ended by a flatbed truck and our daughter Naomi ended up with a hemorrhagic cyst from c5 to t10 on her spine. She might not be able to walk until she is two and a half years old. We’ve been taking her to doctors and had two MRI’s done. She’s improving, but it looks like she will need surgery.

              Last Thursday we got a letter from the local building inspector that there have been reports that we have an illegal attic apartment, and he wants to talk to us about it. So we lost our upstairs tenant.

              Then at the wedding studio we were told in the Tuxedo department (where I work 38 hours a week, as well as shooting 90 weddings a year, that’s part of my salary) has been losing money so the owner wants us to take a week off with no pay and then take a pay cut of $25 per week. A short time after telling us that a blood vessel in his head broke, and now he has to wear prism lenses to see straight.

              When I had passed the six-month period, they refused to give me the raise I was promised. He denied that my salary would go from $425 per week to $525 per week. So I pulled out the card that he had written our agreement on and showed him, in his own handwriting.

              The bosses were pretty slick. They told me if I shot two weddings when the company took its bi-annual week vacation, I would be paid in cash. But afterwards they told me that I wasn’t going to be shooting ninety weddings so they reneged and stiffed me. (That was a paid vacation, when we drove to Canada in our new Nissan Stanza.)

              Anyway, when I was shooting one of those unpaid weddings another photographer saw me at Davis Johnson Park and asked for my business card. I met him at his studio, and arranged to show him two sets of proofs across the highway from the studio on Monday when the bosses aren’t around. He wants to take me under his wing and pay me $300 per wedding, which is more than the $225 they pay here.

             On August 20th, just before closing I’m going to give the studio my two weeks notice. At that time I will take care of Leon and Naomi and pick up Renee when kindergarten lets out. Yoshiko works right beside the world trade center as a bookkeeper, and takes the train at the bottom of our street. Then she takes t he ferry from Hoboken. She makes good money and has insurance, so it should work out. We’ll save on childcare and she’ll work an extra hour. Hopefully I’ll get enough jobs on the weekend shooting weddings.
          Today I started putting lathe on the garage so I can put cement on it. Today is the first weekend I didn’t have to shoot a wedding.

By the end of summer business was slow at Black Tie. We were told that the

Tuxedo department had been losing money; the owner wanted us to take a week off with no pay and then reduce our salary by 25 dollars a week. Joe told me that if I shot two weddings on my winter vacation I would get paid for them, (that was a paid vacation and we drove to Canada in our new Nissan Stanza) but then he said that he didn't have enough weddings for me to reach ninety, so he wouldn't pay me for them.

             I never had contact with Black Tie again, except to send them an anonymous letter, containing a letter to Dear Abby. The letter to the advice columnist dealt with workers who cut their toenails in the workplace. Having vacuumed the carpet beneath the bosses' desk, I knew there was someone who would benefit from the clipping.

Since the accident Naomi had been exhibiting discomfort, so we took her to a few doctors trying to determine what was wrong. She couldn't roll over and never learned to crawl. She moved around on her bottom.

             Peter W. Carmel, MD, D. Med SC wrote on September 29, 1992: "An MRI taken on June 15, 1992 revealed a thoracic arachnoid cyst with fresh blood inside of it. MRI taken on August 21, 1992 showed the arachnoid cyst but the blood had been reabsorbed into the system. The finding of fresh blood in this cyst, combined with the clinical deterioration of function clearly indicates that the Arachnoid cyst was either caused or exacerbated by the child's accident."

A month later, on October 26, Dr. Carmel performed an Osteopathic Laminectomy on Naomi, from T1 through T8 with the removal of Dorsal Arachnoid Cyst from Cord. The morning of the operation, I drove to the Columbia Presbyterian Hospital on the other side of the George Washington Bridge. When I arrived Dr. Carmel asked for the X-rays, which I hadn't brought, so I drove back home to Wood Ridge and picked them up. He was calmly reading the newspaper when I returned, before he scrubbed up and performed the surgery. Yoshiko stayed a week or so at the hospital while Naomi was recovering. I was able to photograph Naomi's first steps a few months later on a warm spring day.

             One morning while kneeling by the door, with the rising sun through the window Renee showed me her latest kitty picture, "See, do you like my kitten. It sparkles in the dark." When she thrust it before my eyeballs I could see the aura of innocence teeming though the lemon gold and sapphire eyes. Later that day I found a car seat buckle in my disk drive; Leon must have put it there. Leon had taken a potato to the nursery and left it there. It was the potato that Renee and Leon had been feeding their battery-operated piggy.

On the eve of my fortieth birthday I visited Steve Honey at the Manhattan Center and showed him a few of the children’s books I’d been working on. Throughout 1993 I shot about 40 weddings for Mario and a few other studios. I was working hard with photography but my heart wasn't into it. I discovered there was a creative urge within me to write. Around December I started writing an illustrating children's stories. The most interesting was The Most Beautiful Worm in the World. 

                         

February 27, 1993

            

             Yesterday, at 12: 19 pm while eating lunch by the 20th floor window at Two Financial Center, Yoshiko heard a massive explosion from the World Trade Center across the street from her. In five minutes the streets below were swarming with fire trucks and emergency vehicles. She called me at 1:45 saying that she would be ferrying to Hoboken and would meet me at the Dunken Donuts that we stopped at last May 26, the night we had the accident. So Yoshiko went with me to Belleville for Kumon class with Leon and Renee’s math tutor. Then we bought Chinese food in little Ferry, and then came home. We watched the news about the Trade Center on TV. A friend of hers, Arthur Noren’s wife, Yoshie, who is five months pregnant, had to walk down a good number of flights. The smoke was coming up the stairwell; and most the people exiting had smoke all over their faces. 

            

 

January 19, 1993

           Got our chimney fixed recently; the Polish man who fixed it also installed a new side door and a storm window; installed two new locks on the front and side door, fixed the first floor doorbell, painted the triangle above the second floor porch, painted under the soffit all the way around the house, the part I missed), replaced fallen stucco below the attic rear window, cleared the gutters and repaired the valleys chimney cleaner messed up. We had the work done for a bargain price.

           Finished up buying all the photography equipment I needed, a new radio transmitter and receiver, a new 100 mml. lens and a Speedgrip. Total was $1,300.

             Went to a therapist yesterday for my left arm. Have Impingement syndrome from lifting up a heavy Stroboframe for ninety weddings, Tried a new system during the reception at the Colonial Manor in Old Tappan Saturday with Mario. While driving to the Greek Church on E Clinton Street I heard the live report from Baghdad on 1010 Wins while 25 Tomahawks were blasting a nuclear facility.

September 6, 1993

             Terry dropped by last night at 11:30 with the remainder of my inheritance from my mother. He drove down a few weeks ago with a carload of stuff, but the valuable things were left at Kim’s by mistake. While unpacking everything Terry explained why Aunt Molly killed herself. In the early fifties when they were living in Toronto their son Michael was killed in a fire set by an arsonist for the insurance money. Aunt Molly heard them downstairs and they even found a gas-can. But the accused got off on a technicality. Molly tried to save the child but the flames were too intense. She got over the trauma until later in life when she was involved in a car accident, and went into a coma. When she came out of the coma all she could see were images of her child burning. She went into shock treatment and ended up taking an overdose.

               Today we went to Yaohan where Yoshiko had a perm. During that time I took the three kids to New York and bought a 35mm Canon 630, a 35-105 lens and a 430 EZ  flash, for $737. We had lunch at Yaohan then went to Gene Winbury’s where I dropped off some equipment for repairs. We stopped at the Duck pond in Ridge Wood, before coming back.

November 3, 1993 (Wednesday)

 Last Friday Megumi, a twenty-two year old student moved into the third floor. Saturday she took care of the kids while I shot Stacy’s Bat Mitzvah. Sunday I went to the Viscom program at the Jacob Javits Center, showing Megumi how to take the bus into Manhattan. When I returned I saw a cardinal perched on a statue at the Assumption Church, and would have photographed it had I my camera with me. (As I write this Naomi is drawing on the floor with my pencil crayons. She takes one swipe at the paper and tosses the crayon across the room.) Sunday we went to Secaucus to buy a carpet for the back room, it had taken over a month for me to strip the doors and trim to their natural finish, while I left Naomi at Machiko Edward’s. Yoshiko asked me to pick her up at the train at 7:45 pm.

             On February 12, 1994 I went to Jin A for two hours and did snow shoveling with some other volunteers. The day before had been a big storm and I had shoveled my own driveway for five hours. Sunday I woke up short of breath with a sore leg. I went to Yaohan in Edgewater, and to Bob Klawiter's but was out of it. Monday was worse, when I registered Renée and Leon at Saint Phillips in Clifton. I could hardly walk.
             That evening I went to Heights Medical and Dr. Orr put me on painkillers and Augment on. Through the night I had trouble breathing and hardly slept. When I vomited my breakfast violently across the room I heard Leon say, "Did you hear that?"
             I called Heights medical office and told the receptionist that I was vomiting my medicine and she told me not to take all the medicine at once. On the afternoon of the sixteenth I was admitted in the hospital. My leg was red, and most of my body had a red rash. They put a catheter on before sleeping, but during the night I produced no urine. Next day Dr. De Groot cut a hole in my leg, and I was sent to intensive care. They tilted me back, covered me with blue paper and inserted a tube into my chest to monitor my vital signs.
             I was on oxygen and my mouth was freeze-dried with a coating of frozen mucous. It was almost impossible to eat; I had to wash every mouthful with water. I tried to sleep at night but couldn't, dreaming I was awake. Hundreds of images floated through my mind; beautiful abstract images of a phantasmagoria. I tried to altar them in with my thoughts. On that evening I must have been the closest I'd ever been to spirit world except of course that time Kim and I were returning from a saddle-washing excursion at Mohawk raceway when we were almost hit by a speeding locomotive. My kidneys failed; I was put on dialysis for four or five days.
             Rev. Patino and his wife came and "holy-salted" the room. They gave me a picture of True Parents. That was Saturday. I had called the church saying that my wife needed help, and they offered a Spanish sister named Josephine. In the evening Mario Michelle came by to see me. Robert Klawiter helped Yoshiko do some errands and got about 300 people praying for me. One sister wrote a letter saying that, "The reason that Stefan is dying is because he doesn't know his value." Yoshiko did not give me the letter. I have come to learn that when you realize your true value you become immortal.
             During the night when I could not sleep I would watch the Olympics on TV. Some evenings Robin, who lived in the apartment downstairs from us, would bring Yoshiko and the three kids. My sister Sue, Terry and his friend Carol came to visit arriving just after midnight. I felt like I hadn't slept for five days, and was given a giant sleeping pill. I talked to them for 45 minutes. Terry told me not to worry about the fifteen dollars I owed Kim.
             In the morning while I was groggy it took two attempts to put a tube down my nose. My chest was like a hard shell. I was tense. That night the nurse took two hours to get all my intravenous lines connected so that she wouldn't have to wake me at three.
             My day nurse was Mara who gave me a lot of TLC. I had brought a sketchbook to draw some pictures to the story of Soliloquy of a Worn Inside a Candy Apple, but had no energy to do it. I wanted to tell her the story but couldn't.
             Finally I was out of the ICU and in a regular room. My kidneys were working again, but my white cell count was bad. A friend came to visit me, and smuggled in a piece of pizza supreme. Dr. French said I needed a transfusion and a trans esophageal echocardiogram before I could be released. On March 4, 1994 I was discharged.
             While I was still recovering I had an old printer, which spewed out pages that were linked together in a continuous spool. On a whim I pulled the paper from one long chapter, and set it on the floor, from one end of the house to the other. Then I took out my video camera and filmed it from beginning to end. Having done that I took the computer apart and stashed in the basement, having upgraded to a Power Macintosh.
               We had a chance to get a solid mahogany table and some items that had been left behind from one of the apartments that Yoshiko's company maintained. All we had to go was move it out and it was ours. So we hired a moving company to transport the table and some other stuff. When they moved it into the basement at our place in Woodridge they put a big gash in the top of it, and I got into a moving dispute. I didn't want to pay them because they had ruined the table. While I was calling the police they took some of my things as "collateral." Later I noticed what was missing and made a police report listing all the items that were stolen. At first I didn't care that they'd stolen my mountain bike, and my IBM clone. But then I realized what was on the hard drive… Two or three hundred pages of stuff that I would have to input all over again. Lucky for me I had made a home movie of my life story spurting out of the printer.